


Happy Anniversary, Phil

by willcutgrassforrupees



Category: Video Blogging & YouTube RPF
Genre: Cancer, M/M, Terminal Illnesses, Wedding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-18
Updated: 2013-08-18
Packaged: 2017-12-23 21:45:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/931424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/willcutgrassforrupees/pseuds/willcutgrassforrupees
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Phil is diagnosed with late stage lung cancer and he's terminal. He also decides to propose to Dan because YOLO, right?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Happy Anniversary, Phil

**Author's Note:**

> Very loosely based on the concept of The Fault In Our Stars.

I never would have expected it to be like this. 

Driving home from the doctor’s office, rain falling onto the windshield, Phil screaming, pulling out his hair, rocking back and forth, sobbing into his hands, it was horrible. 

Nothing I could do or say would ease the pain. Nothing would relieve the fear. 

I kept my eyes on the road as I cried silently, tears rolling off of my cheeks and onto my shirt. 

I never would have expected it to be like this. 

The car pulled into the driveway and we got out and I ran into the house, trying to avoid getting wet from the furious rain that was a common occurrence in London. 

Phil slowly walked up the steps and came into the house. We stood there, with our shoes still on, staring at each other. 

Phil’s eyes were red and swollen and it was the first time I’d ever seen him look so scared. 

Without saying a word, we embraced into a hug and I held him for a long time. 

Finally, we let go, and removed our shoes. 

Phil sat down at the kitchen table and I sat down across from him. 

“So, what now?” His voice was low and dull, sounding more like simple words to fill the silence than a legitimate question. 

I couldn’t tell if it was rhetorical or not. 

“I don’t know.” 

“Let’s get drunk.” 

I was confused when he grabbed my arm and a bottle of vodka and pulled me outside. He sat down in the wet grass and looked at me as if to ask me to join him. I did, and he took a swig of the vodka in his hand and winced at the taste. He handed me the glass bottle and I did the same. I’d do anything if it meant he would feel the slightest bit better. 

“I don’t want to go through treatment.” His eyes were focused on the grass beside me. He couldn’t look me in the eyes. 

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to.” 

His gaze trailed up to meet mine. “Really?” 

“I’m not going to make you. It’s a decision you have to make yourself, Phil.” 

He nodded slowly and took another sip. 

“I’m not going to live through this, am I?” 

“You can’t think like that, Phil.” 

“The doctor said I was terminal. There’s no getting away from it, Dan.” 

I couldn’t say anything. 

“I don’t want to die in a hospital, hooked up to a bunch of machines, looking like a skeleton, injected with medicine designed to prolong an empty life. I want to die happy. And if that means I’ll die sooner than later...” He shrugged. “Oh well.” 

Tears were pouring down my face and I couldn’t stop my mind from thinking about a life without Phil and it made me cry harder. 

Through blurry eyes, I watched every movement he made. “Are you sure?” 

He nodded. 

I took another gulp of the liquor. 

After a while, we found ourselves lying in the wet grass, staring up at the cloudy sky. 

“Do you have any regrets?” I asked him after a long silence. 

He said nothing for what seemed like forever, until he said, “Breaking up with you.” 

I turned my head to look at him and realized he had already been looking at me. 

“Really?” 

He nodded. 

When I first met Phil, I was 18, and within a couple days of meeting him in person, I was hopelessly and indubitably in love with him. We dated for a year until Phil, without warning, ended our relationship, and told me that he still wanted to be best friends. I agreed and pushed down all of my feelings for him. We never spoke about it again. 

“I still love you, Dan. I just wasn’t ready for that kind of relationship and I was scared. I’m sorry.” 

“It’s ok, Phil. I’m not angry.” 

He nodded understandingly. “Good. I’m glad.” 

We looked back up at the sky and I got up and kissed him. 

He smiled. 

When we realized that we were lying in the rain, and that we were wet and cold, we decided to go back inside. We talked about our plans for the next two months. We talked about his YouTube channel. We talked about my YouTube channel. We stayed up talking until four in the morning and we planned everything out. We had a doctor’s appointment the next day. 

When 1 o’clock the next day finally came around, Phil gave the speech he gave me to the doctor and he nodded. 

“I understand. I’ll prescribe you the medicine you can take at home, and you can come in for weekly check-ups so nothing goes unnoticed. I know how hard it is to live with a disease like this, and it takes everything out from under you and it all happens so fast it makes your head spin. I admire you for choosing to let it happen as it was meant to, but don’t get too caught up. Slow down and smell the flowers, okay? Enjoy the little things. That’s my doctorly advice for you. I’ll see you next week, kid.” 

Phil and I walked out of the doctor’s office with our fingers intertwined. 

We sat on Phil’s bed in front of the camera. 

“Are you ready?” 

“Ready as I’ll ever be.” 

I reached up and turned on the camera. 

He took a deep breath and smiled weakly. 

“Hey guys.” 

“We have a bit of…news.” I paused and took a breath. “Last week, Phil was diagnosed with a very late stage of lung cancer. He’s…terminal. The doctor gave him two months.” 

All I could think was don’t cry as I spoke the words I had rehearsed many times. 

“I’ve chosen not to go through chemo or radiation or any kind of treatment except for prescribed medication. I don’t want to live in the hospital for what little time I have left.” 

That’s when I started crying. 

“Dan and I have decided to do a meet up in London two weeks from now on July 15th. We want to meet as many of you guys as possible. We’ll include more details in the description. ” He looked over at me and smiled. “Look at you.” He faced the camera again. “Dan is crying like a baby.” He looked back at me and wiped away my tears and I looked away. 

He pecked me on the cheek and my eyes widened and I could feel my face turning red. 

“Thank you guys for being there and subscribing and all that stuff. See you later.” 

Phil turned off the camera. 

It took him 20 minutes to edit the video and 5 minutes to upload it. The response was more than either of us could have expected. YouTube exploded. Tumblr exploded. Twitter exploded. The internet exploded as it was announced that one of the biggest YouTube vloggers only had a couple months left to live. 

It was like nothing I’d ever seen before. An hour after Phil posted the video, we checked the comments. The top comment was from a girl named Alisa who said, “omg dan’s face when phil kissed him I’d say I’m gonna cry but I’m already crying.” The second top comment was from someone with the username KatBoa and they said, “if you guys need me I’ll be here crying for the rest of my life.” 

Phil kissed me. After, I told him I loved him. Then, he asked if I wanted to marry him. I laughed and cried and said yes. 

We emailed our parents and close friends and family and told them about the wedding. Phil and I went ring shopping and found the perfect ones. We went shopping for suits. I asked Chris to be my best man and Phil asked PJ. They both accepted without a second thought. We planned the wedding for the middle of August. We made a video telling the fans the news. Another internet explosion. Thousands of comments congratulating us. 

When it was finally time to go to the meet up, we were shocked by the amount of people that came. Phil and I walked out of the car and over to a fountain where most of the people had gathered and were talking amongst themselves. Within seconds, a line formed as people were patient and courteous and nice to the people around them. Everyone at the meet up wanted to meet us and they didn’t want to cause a scene or a riot. Nobody pushed or shoved or said anything mean to anyone around them. People were genuinely nice to each other and it was a sight worth appreciating. 

We gave out hugs, listened to stories, and signed t-shirts, posters, phone cases. We found out how long some people had travelled to get to London. There were at least a hundred who flew from America and some from Australia, Canada, and Germany. Everyone came together for one final meet up and they were all there because they loved Phil and I and they needed to thank their favorite YouTubers one last time. 

When it was starting to get dark, I checked the time, and it was nearly 10 o’clock. People started to leave, and people waved and Phil had gathered a long list of twitter accounts to follow. 

We got into our car and started to drive home. 

“That was a really great day.” 

“Yeah, it was.” 

“I could never have that much fun in a hospital bed.” 

I laughed. 

The doctor was right when he said that it happens fast. Time flew by. Phil’s cancer had spread and he had lost more weight and he was in too much pain to walk. A week before the wedding he couldn’t move anywhere without the use of a wheelchair. When the time came when we had to go to the church for the wedding, I helped Phil into the car, and drove us there. We were ushered to separate rooms were we could get into our suits. My parents went with me and Phil’s parents went with him. My mom cried and hugged me and my dad hugged me and told me he was proud. 

I was directed down the aisle and stood at the altar. The groomsmen filed out and stood three on each side of me. Phil’s mother pushed him down the aisle in his wheelchair. When he joined me at the altar, his mom turned him to face me and she sat back down in the front row with Phil’s dad. 

Phil took a deep breath and stood. It had been a while since I’d been eye-level with him, and I stared into his blue eyes. He grabbed my hand and I held him steady. 

“Does it hurt?” I whispered. 

“Yeah.” 

“You don’t have to stand.” 

“Yes I do.” 

“We are gathered here today, on this happy and joyous occasion, to join these two men in holy matrimony. Marriage is a solemn institution to be held in honor by all, it is the cornerstone of the family and of the community. It requires of those who undertake it a complete and unreserved giving of one's self. This commitment symbolizes the intimate sharing of two lives and still enhances the individuality of each of you. Do you, Dan Howell, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband? Do you promise to love him, comfort him, honor and keep him in sickness and in health, remaining faithful to him as long as you both shall live?” 

Through tears, I smile and say, “I do.” 

“Do you, Phil Lester, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband? Do you promise to love him, comfort him, honor and keep him in sickness and in health, remaining faithful to him as long as you both shall live?” 

Phil smiled at me. “I do.” 

“Then by the power invested in me, I now pronounce you husbands. You may kiss the groom.” 

I held Phil up and kissed him. Everyone in the room clapped. 

I put the ring that was in my pocket onto Phil’s finger and he put the other ring onto mine. 

“I love you.” 

“I love you, too.” 

I let Phil sit back down and I pushed him back down the aisle. 

We arrived at the reception and entered after everyone who attended the ceremony. I took Phil to the dance floor for the first dance. He stood up braced himself on my shoulders. I held his waist and we danced to the soft music. 

“Tell me when it hurts too much, ok?” 

“It hurts too much.” 

I nodded quickly and he sat back down in the wheelchair. 

Phil’s mom pulled him to the side while I danced with my mom. 

“Daniel, I love you so much. I’m so glad you decided to do this.” 

“Thanks mom. I love you, too. Thank you for all the support.” 

“I’ll always be here to support you, honey.” 

We danced until the song ended and Phil and his mom took the center stage. I waited for my husband to finish dancing with his mom and we went and sat at the long table at the front of the room. We ate dinner and speeches and toasts were made and we cut the cake and ate the cake. After a long night, we took a cab home and Phil fell asleep in my arms. 

The next couple of days were the worst. Phil was in so much pain the next morning, I had to call an ambulance. He was finally admitted into the hospital, and the doctors told us the chance of him leaving was slim to none. That night I slept in a chair in his hospital room. 

I woke up to Phil looking at me and smiling. 

“Good morning,” I smiled. 

“I love you so much.” He sounded weak. 

“I love you, too, Phil.” 

That day I made a vlog of us in the hospital. 

“Say hi to the phillions, Phil.” 

“Hiii.” 

“Phil and I can now not only be considered as best friends, but also as newlyweds.” I smiled. 

After a while I turned off the camera. 

I returned to my chair when my eyelids felt heavy. 

“Goodnight, Phillip.” 

“Goodnight, Daniel.” 

I drifted off to sleep. 

The next day, the doctors had to keep injecting Phil with medicine to keep him awake. 

I was sitting crosslegged on the floor talking to him, when his speech slowed, and the he stopped talking altogether. I got up onto my knees so I could see his face. I was holding his hand in mine. 

“Phil? Are you okay?” 

His eyes slowly closed. 

“Phil? Phil, wake up.” 

I tapped on his hand. Tears started to flow. “Come on Phil, please wake up.” 

The beeping on the heart monitor slowed. “Phil, please. Don’t leave me.” 

He flatlined. “Come on Phil. Please.” There was a sound of recognizable desperation in my voice. 

I shook his hand. Nothing. 

I sat on the floor again, holding his limp hand, and crying. 

A nurse came in to check on us. 

She gasped when she saw. 

“Come on, sweetheart. Let’s call your parents. You can sleep at their house tonight, okay?” 

I nodded. 

That night, when I drifted into dreamland in the spare bedroom at my parent’s house, I dreamt about him. I dreamt that he was sitting on the edge of my bed. I sat up to talk to him. 

“Phil, please don’t go. I still need you.” 

“I have to, Dan. I’m sorry. Maybe someday we’ll meet again.” 

“Goodbye, Phil. I’ll always love you, I promise.” 

“Goodbye, Dan. I’ll see you later.” 

I came to the conclusion that a wedding and a funeral should not be so close together. We were married for a total of three days before he was gone. I stood with Chris and PJ as the casket was lowered into the earth. Fresh soil was placed on top of it. Some words were said, and everyone went home. I stayed with my parents for a couple more days until I could finally go back to the flat. 

When I got there, with my suitcase in hand, everything was the same as when we left the day after the wedding. Our bed was still unmade. The computer was still open to Phil’s twitter page. Everything was the same. Except nothing was the same. Now it was empty. I knew that life without Phil would be a hard life to live, but nothing could have prepared me for this. I tried to imagine him looking down on me from heaven, smiling at me. Telling me he loved me. Telling me that I could do it. It was hard to accept that he was really gone. I half expected him to arrive in a taxi and laugh, and tell me it was a joke. 

If I could have one wish, it would be to have a couple more minutes with him, to say goodbye, to hold him one last time. 

Two years later, I walked down to the cemetery where he was buried. The tombstone read, “Phillip Howell 1987-2015” 

I knelt down and put down a flower onto the ground in front of the tombstone. 

“Happy Anniversary, Phil.”


End file.
